A Newton’s Cradle demonstrates the conservation of momentum and energy and are usually found on the cherry wood desks of hoity-toity male business executives who drive around in Porsche convertibles, wipe their asses with twenty dollar bills, have affairs with their secretaries, and look down on those who aren’t worth more than ten million dollars. For those douchebag executives, having a Newton’s Cradle is handy because it’s just another way to show that they have extreme amounts of disposable wealth and the rocking back and forth of the metal balls can help pace their thrusting while boinking their administrative assistant.
Thankfully, the App Store now allows the common person to have their own Newton’s Cradle, except in virtual form and without the douchebag-ish-ness. This Newton’s Cradle consists of five metal balls suspended in the air by five of the most lazy-assed rendered cables EVER. Actually, I take that back. They aren’t really cables at all, they’re more like thin white lines that Lindsay Lohan might try to snort off of your iPhone screen. Besides the lazy-assed rendered cables, the light reflections on each ball remained static, even while swinging.
Touching a ball on one of the ends, dragging it back, and letting it go will start the momentum and kinetic energy see-saw. The balls hitting each other make a somewhat soothing, rhythmic clacking sound similar to those made when two marbles collide, although after about an hour, the sound will probably drive you bat shit insane. This goes on until the momentum and kinetic energy run out, which is usually about a minute, if you leave your iPhone on the table. You can throw everything off by picking up your iPhone and tilting it to the left or right, which causes the pendulum to swing violently and allows you to give Sir Isaac Newton a huge middle finger salute.
The Newton’s Cradle app is a neat concept to show off the abilities of the iPhone/iPod Touch’s touch screen and accelerometer, but a little more effort could’ve been used to not make it look so cheap, with its half-assed cables and static reflections. I know it’s a free app and I can’t expect everything to be awesome, but I believe if you’re going to be a one-trick pony, you should at least do that one trick really well.
Item: Newton’s Cradle Company: Enabled Solutions Version: 1.0 Category: Entertainment Price: FREE Rating: 5 out of 10 Pros: It’s free. Clacking sound is soothing. Having a virtual version of something douchebag executives have. Nicely shows off the iPhone/iPod Touch’s touchscreen and accelerometer. Cons: Half-assed cables and static reflections make it look cheap. Not really useful. Going bat shit insane after listening to the clacking of balls for an hour. Lindsay Lohan trying to snort off the virtual white lines on an iPhone screen.
Actually, I’m not too sure what exactly the point of it is, because it could be used to kill time when you’ve got only a few seconds to waste or it could be used to calm your mind during a hectic day or it can be your opportunity to harass fish without PETA coming after you and causing Pamela Anderson to get naked (again) for a PETA ad. (We get it Pam, you like being naked and showing off your near-perfect body that causes teenage boys to masturbate and other 40-year-old mothers cry.) All I do know is that whatever the point of it is, the makers of Koi Pond sure do it beautifully.
Koi Pond is simply a virtual koi pond that consists of smooth rocks on the bottom, lily pads, and, of course, swimming koi. Touching the screen will cause ripples in the water with the appropriate sound, which frightens the fish. Sadly, disrupting the serene pond and jarring the koi is probably the most exciting thing to do with the app, but those abilities can occupy a child’s mind for a little while, but unfortunately not enough where you can kick all those annoying Barney DVDs and CDs to the curb or to some unsuspecting parent.
A couple of nice things you can do with your koi is feed them by shaking your iPhone/iPod Touch and have them nibble your finger by placing it on the screen and leaving it there to attract them. Being able to feed and play with them makes Koi Pond somewhat Tamagotchi-like, except there’s no need to clean up poop and there won’t be any weird stares from others, like there always are when I’m playing with my Tamagotchi, Chow Chow, in public.
Leave me and Chow Chow alone, people! I love my Chow Chow!
In the settings, you can change the color of the water, number of koi, quantity of lily pads, add various sounds of nature, and decide whether it’s night or day. I personally like to set it so that I have as many koi as possible and have all of the nature sounds turned on (birds, insects, frogs, and a flowing river). Watching the koi swim is relaxing and listening to the sounds of nature makes me feel like I’m playing with a Tranquil Moments Sleep Sound Machine in Brookstone. Those two combined have a calming effect on me and I could watch it until my iPod Touch’s battery runs dry or I have the urge to bring havoc to some virtual fish.
Item:Koi Pond Company: The Blimp Pilots Version: 2.1 Category: Entertainment Price: 99 cents Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Cheap. Soothing and beautiful to look at. Seconds or minutes of mindless entertainment. It’s fun scaring koi without having to worry about PETA. Seeing Pamela Anderson naked in 1998. My Chow Chow. Cons: Limited entertainment value. Seeing Pamela Anderson naked in 2008. Prices of stuff at Brookstone. Adults playing with Tamagotchi in public.
The point of Koi Pond is…