The idea of having the American Heritage Dictionary – Fourth Edition on my iPod Touch and in my jeans makes me finally feel like there’s finally something thick in my pants. Having easy access to a well-endowed book of knowledge like a dictionary with almost 300,000 words, including reality show contestant favorites “bitch” and “slut,” can come in handy while playing Scrabble or helping your socially-inept child practice for a regional Spelling Bee Championship instead of playing with kids their own age and learning social skills that won’t make their high school and college years awkward.

It’s not just about text with this dictionary app. Some of the entries have pictures to enhance the definition and almost every definition has an audio file that tells you how to properly pronounce the word, including the previously mentioned “bitch” and “slut,” which allows your iPhone to insult for you. The voice is either male or female, but you don’t get to choose, and each pronunciation sounds somewhat like an automated phone message. If your iPod Touch’s volume is low you’ll have a hard time hearing the enunciation and there’s no way to turn it up in the settings while the app is running.

Speaking of settings, which deserves ONE sentence because there is only ONE setting you can toggle, it consists of turning on or off the background, which is a small American Heritage logo on the bottom of the screen.

Starting the app took about three seconds and the interface was pretty responsive. When it comes to finding words, you have two options: You can either scroll through an index of all 300,000 words, which is as efficient as a car without an engine, or you can search for the word. If you take the search fork in the road, it will give you partial matches, but it won’t give you possible matches for those times you’re not sure how to spell a word, which pretty much leaves you S.O.L. if you need to find a word.

Just like the N.S.A. does with people named Hussein, the American Heritage Dictionary app keeps track of what you’ve looked at so that you can easily take a trip back into time when you looked up the word “discrimination.” The app also allows you bookmark your favorite words, like “crackhead,” just in case you want to remember that it’s one word or hope that an update to the software will include a picture of Amy Winehouse next to the definition.

At first, I thought this dictionary was too expensive and it is for iPhone users, since they have access to many online dictionaries, but for iPod Touch users who aren’t always around a Wi-Fi network, it’s decently priced. I’ve come to this conclusion because I thought about the Webster’s Dictionary I own and how long I’ve had it. The initial price was high, but dictionaries are one of those things you keep for years and years. Sure there will be newer editions with added words, but unless you enjoy being a brainac douchebag who likes to use words in your everyday conversations that normal people only hear during the National Spelling Bee, you probably won’t need to buy an updated version. Besides the actual hardcover version of the American Heritage Dictionary retails for $60 and is going for $40 on Amazon.com.

With all of the definitions, images, and audio files, the app is a little over 300 MB, which could be used for a 30-minute TV show or the entire New Kids on the Block discography, including any solo projects and all Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch albums. However, those 300 MB are much lighter than the 7.6 pounds the actual American Heritage Dictionary weighs.

Item: American Heritage Dictionary – Fourth Edition
Company: Enfour, Inc.
Version: 1.0
Category: Reference
Price: $29.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: No internet connection needed. Cheaper and lighter than actual American Heritage Dictionary. Nearly 300,000 words, including slut and bitch. Responsive interface. Ability to hear the pronunciation.
Cons: May seem pricey to some. Search doesn’t show possible matches with incorrect spellings. Limited settings options. Takes up space that could be used for a TV show or 100 boy band songs. Pronunciation volume is troublesome to change on an iPod Touch. Children without social skills.