SlotZ Racer
By The Impulsive Downloader | February 4, 2009
Category: Games
Released: January 14, 2009
Company: Freeverse
Version: 1.1
Price: $2.99
Rating: 9 out of 10
Freeverse is one of those software companies that just makes quality shit — and I mean “shit” in the most endearing way. Their games are addictive and can kill a lot of time. How much depends on your obsessive-compulsive nature. Their latest game for the iPhone, SlotZ Racer, is good enough to make me forget that they capitalized the Z at the end of the misspelled “SlotZ.”
If you’ve never raced slot cars, you’re probably not a child of the 1980s and don’t have memories of Michael Jackson not being a pedophile. If you have, you know it takes a little while to get used to timing your acceleration so you don’t end up speeding off the track more times than a drunk Lindsay Lohan. The same learning curve is found with SlotZ Racer. The controls are just as simple as actual slot cars. There’s no steering. It’s just you and an acceleration button on the lower right hand corner that you press like the asshole who brings in one of those talking Staples Easy Buttons to work and presses it whenever someone walks by to show off that cheap Chinese-made toy that lost its novelty in 2006.
In SlotZ Racer, you can run a quick race or you can choose to participate in a championship, which is a series of races that help you unlock new cars and tracks. You can play by yourself or race with three other friends willing to invade each other’s personal spaces because you will all be squeezing together to use and touch the same screen. Gameplay is a lot of fun and gets more exciting as you unlock new tracks that look like art exhibits gone wild.
Speaking of tracks gone wild, there’s also a track designer that allows you to make your own virtual asphalt creation. There are a lot of option to choose from, like adding overpasses and buildings, but the small screen makes it frustrating to see how your creation is developing. Zooming out using the multitouch controls is kind of buggy, causing it to zoom out to a blank part of the screen instead of focusing on the track, but I’m sure that will get fixed in an update.
SlotZ Racer is worth the $2.99 I paid for it. It’s a game that can provide a quick moment of entertainment while waiting in line at the bank or a much longer moment when you find yourself waiting in line at the DMV.
Filed Under: 9 Rating, Freeverse, Games | | Comments Off
Newton’s Cradle
By The Impulsive Downloader | September 23, 2008
A Newton’s Cradle demonstrates the conservation of momentum and energy and are usually found on the cherry wood desks of hoity-toity male business executives who drive around in Porsche convertibles, wipe their asses with twenty dollar bills, have affairs with their secretaries, and look down on those who aren’t worth more than ten million dollars. For those douchebag executives, having a Newton’s Cradle is handy because it’s just another way to show that they have extreme amounts of disposable wealth and the rocking back and forth of the metal balls can help pace their thrusting while boinking their administrative assistant.
Thankfully, the App Store now allows the common person to have their own Newton’s Cradle, except in virtual form and without the douchebag-ish-ness. This Newton’s Cradle consists of five metal balls suspended in the air by five of the most lazy-assed rendered cables EVER. Actually, I take that back. They aren’t really cables at all, they’re more like thin white lines that Lindsay Lohan might try to snort off of your iPhone screen. Besides the lazy-assed rendered cables, the light reflections on each ball remained static, even while swinging.
Touching a ball on one of the ends, dragging it back, and letting it go will start the momentum and kinetic energy see-saw. The balls hitting each other make a somewhat soothing, rhythmic clacking sound similar to those made when two marbles collide, although after about an hour, the sound will probably drive you bat shit insane. This goes on until the momentum and kinetic energy run out, which is usually about a minute, if you leave your iPhone on the table. You can throw everything off by picking up your iPhone and tilting it to the left or right, which causes the pendulum to swing violently and allows you to give Sir Isaac Newton a huge middle finger salute.
The Newton’s Cradle app is a neat concept to show off the abilities of the iPhone/iPod Touch’s touch screen and accelerometer, but a little more effort could’ve been used to not make it look so cheap, with its half-assed cables and static reflections. I know it’s a free app and I can’t expect everything to be awesome, but I believe if you’re going to be a one-trick pony, you should at least do that one trick really well.
Item: Newton’s Cradle
Company: Enabled Solutions
Version: 1.0
Category: Entertainment
Price: FREE
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s free. Clacking sound is soothing. Having a virtual version of something douchebag executives have. Nicely shows off the iPhone/iPod Touch’s touchscreen and accelerometer.
Cons: Half-assed cables and static reflections make it look cheap. Not really useful. Going bat shit insane after listening to the clacking of balls for an hour. Lindsay Lohan trying to snort off the virtual white lines on an iPhone screen.
Filed Under: 5 Rating, Entertainment | | Comments Off
Koi Pond
By The Impulsive Downloader | September 14, 2008
The point of Koi Pond is…
Actually, I’m not too sure what exactly the point of it is, because it could be used to kill time when you’ve got only a few seconds to waste or it could be used to calm your mind during a hectic day or it can be your opportunity to harass fish without PETA coming after you and causing Pamela Anderson to get naked (again) for a PETA ad. (We get it Pam, you like being naked and showing off your near-perfect body that causes teenage boys to masturbate and other 40-year-old mothers cry.) All I do know is that whatever the point of it is, the makers of Koi Pond sure do it beautifully.
Koi Pond is simply a virtual koi pond that consists of smooth rocks on the bottom, lily pads, and, of course, swimming koi. Touching the screen will cause ripples in the water with the appropriate sound, which frightens the fish. Sadly, disrupting the serene pond and jarring the koi is probably the most exciting thing to do with the app, but those abilities can occupy a child’s mind for a little while, but unfortunately not enough where you can kick all those annoying Barney DVDs and CDs to the curb or to some unsuspecting parent.
A couple of nice things you can do with your koi is feed them by shaking your iPhone/iPod Touch and have them nibble your finger by placing it on the screen and leaving it there to attract them. Being able to feed and play with them makes Koi Pond somewhat Tamagotchi-like, except there’s no need to clean up poop and there won’t be any weird stares from others, like there always are when I’m playing with my Tamagotchi, Chow Chow, in public.
Leave me and Chow Chow alone, people! I love my Chow Chow!
In the settings, you can change the color of the water, number of koi, quantity of lily pads, add various sounds of nature, and decide whether it’s night or day. I personally like to set it so that I have as many koi as possible and have all of the nature sounds turned on (birds, insects, frogs, and a flowing river). Watching the koi swim is relaxing and listening to the sounds of nature makes me feel like I’m playing with a Tranquil Moments Sleep Sound Machine in Brookstone. Those two combined have a calming effect on me and I could watch it until my iPod Touch’s battery runs dry or I have the urge to bring havoc to some virtual fish.
Item: Koi Pond
Company: The Blimp Pilots
Version: 2.1
Category: Entertainment
Price: 99 cents
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cheap. Soothing and beautiful to look at. Seconds or minutes of mindless entertainment. It’s fun scaring koi without having to worry about PETA. Seeing Pamela Anderson naked in 1998. My Chow Chow.
Cons: Limited entertainment value. Seeing Pamela Anderson naked in 2008. Prices of stuff at Brookstone. Adults playing with Tamagotchi in public.
Filed Under: 8 Rating, Entertainment, iPhone, iPod Touch | | 1 Comment »
American Heritage Dictionary – Fourth Edition
By The Impulsive Downloader | September 2, 2008
The idea of having the American Heritage Dictionary – Fourth Edition on my iPod Touch and in my jeans makes me finally feel like there’s finally something thick in my pants. Having easy access to a well-endowed book of knowledge like a dictionary with almost 300,000 words, including reality show contestant favorites “bitch” and “slut,” can come in handy while playing Scrabble or helping your socially-inept child practice for a regional Spelling Bee Championship instead of playing with kids their own age and learning social skills that won’t make their high school and college years awkward.
It’s not just about text with this dictionary app. Some of the entries have pictures to enhance the definition and almost every definition has an audio file that tells you how to properly pronounce the word, including the previously mentioned “bitch” and “slut,” which allows your iPhone to insult for you. The voice is either male or female, but you don’t get to choose, and each pronunciation sounds somewhat like an automated phone message. If your iPod Touch’s volume is low you’ll have a hard time hearing the enunciation and there’s no way to turn it up in the settings while the app is running.
Speaking of settings, which deserves ONE sentence because there is only ONE setting you can toggle, it consists of turning on or off the background, which is a small American Heritage logo on the bottom of the screen.
Starting the app took about three seconds and the interface was pretty responsive. When it comes to finding words, you have two options: You can either scroll through an index of all 300,000 words, which is as efficient as a car without an engine, or you can search for the word. If you take the search fork in the road, it will give you partial matches, but it won’t give you possible matches for those times you’re not sure how to spell a word, which pretty much leaves you S.O.L. if you need to find a word.
Just like the N.S.A. does with people named Hussein, the American Heritage Dictionary app keeps track of what you’ve looked at so that you can easily take a trip back into time when you looked up the word “discrimination.” The app also allows you bookmark your favorite words, like “crackhead,” just in case you want to remember that it’s one word or hope that an update to the software will include a picture of Amy Winehouse next to the definition.
At first, I thought this dictionary was too expensive and it is for iPhone users, since they have access to many online dictionaries, but for iPod Touch users who aren’t always around a Wi-Fi network, it’s decently priced. I’ve come to this conclusion because I thought about the Webster’s Dictionary I own and how long I’ve had it. The initial price was high, but dictionaries are one of those things you keep for years and years. Sure there will be newer editions with added words, but unless you enjoy being a brainac douchebag who likes to use words in your everyday conversations that normal people only hear during the National Spelling Bee, you probably won’t need to buy an updated version. Besides the actual hardcover version of the American Heritage Dictionary retails for $60 and is going for $40 on Amazon.com.
With all of the definitions, images, and audio files, the app is a little over 300 MB, which could be used for a 30-minute TV show or the entire New Kids on the Block discography, including any solo projects and all Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch albums. However, those 300 MB are much lighter than the 7.6 pounds the actual American Heritage Dictionary weighs.
Item: American Heritage Dictionary – Fourth Edition
Company: Enfour, Inc.
Version: 1.0
Category: Reference
Price: $29.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: No internet connection needed. Cheaper and lighter than actual American Heritage Dictionary. Nearly 300,000 words, including slut and bitch. Responsive interface. Ability to hear the pronunciation.
Cons: May seem pricey to some. Search doesn’t show possible matches with incorrect spellings. Limited settings options. Takes up space that could be used for a TV show or 100 boy band songs. Pronunciation volume is troublesome to change on an iPod Touch. Children without social skills.
Filed Under: 7 Rating, Dictionary, Reference, iPhone, iPod Touch | | 9 Comments »